Idiopathic

This afternoon I decided to treat myself by getting a car wash and using a coupon I had for DSW.  After I finished shopping, I came out and got in my car. I have a 2015 Ford Fusion hybrid, which runs on both electricity and on gas. It has a push start button and a backup camera. I can most definitely say that it is the nicest thing I have ever owned. But smart vehicles can be so frustrating! I pushed the brake, pushed the start button, and looked behind me to make sure it was clear to back up. A person walked behind my car and my car started dinging to let me know there was a person there. All of the sudden, my entire car stopped working. My accelerator pedal did nothing, pushing the start/off button did nothing, I couldn’t even turn my car off! Frustrated, I  called my dad to try and figure out if he had ever experienced this (he owned the car before me). He didn’t know what to do. So I called the service department of the dealership the car was from to ask if they knew what to do. They told me I would have to bring the car in so they could see what was wrong. I couldn’t bring the car in when I couldn’t turn it on/off or drive it! Mentally cursing my car and all electric cars everywhere, I got off the phone with them and tried a couple other things after reading the manual. Nothing worked. I sat in my car and cried- I was tired, frustrated, and didn’t want to spend the rest of my day sitting at a service dealership. I prayed in my frustration, thinking Lord please just let my car work. Just as I was about to give up and call a tow truck, my car shut itself down. I let it sit for a minute, then pushed the button. Everything worked perfectly.

Sitting in Starbucks 30 minutes later I began reflecting on my experience. How spoiled I am- to become impatient and annoyed after only 20 minutes of struggles. Struggles that arose because of my ownership of a super nice car. This is just one example of how impatient, selfish, and cynical I have been lately. I have been being rude to my sister-in-law and husband. I use them as my scapegoats and I take out everything that I am upset about on them. Mainly on my sister-in-law (she lives with us). And while she does do things that make sense to get upset about, I overreact. It started internally, then I started voicing my anger to Jesse and now I have been being mean to her.  I am studying pathology right now (well- I was before I got distracted writing this lol) and one of the words I have learned is idiopathic. Idiopathic is defined as a disease in which no causative factor can be identified.  My experience with my car was, to me, idiopathic- something was wrong with my car and I had no idea what the cause was. But my attitude and actions are not idiopathic.  There is a cause for them and it is distinguishable- I haven’t been prioritizing good things like my relationship with Jesus or being thankful. Instead, every time I have a negative thought or feeling I have been giving in to it. Using hurtful words to the people around me, being selfish and lazy. It is about time that I stop acting like I am unaware and incapable of controlling myself. Because I know that I can be better- I have a strong God behind me who wants me to love people.

So this post is simply my confession and vocalization to the world that I recognize that I have not been honoring my husband and I have not been acting or speaking in a manner that would please my Yahweh.

Lord, please forgive me. Help me to act better and think better. Help me to honor you in my thoughts, words, and actions. I love you and want to be more like you.

Alisa